Popular culture tells us that women are worthy if they are working mothers wielding a laptop, six-figure salary, several nannies, and a power suit. We are lowly, unimportant, and uninteresting if instead we decide to raise our children ourselves, make dinner every night for our families, wash our own dishes, and do our own laundry.
Somewhere between the stay-at-home-mom bashing, incredible push to get women in the workforce, and blind encouragement for women’s career ambition and working mothers, the regard for children’s wellbeing was lost. Women are told we can have it all, the fancy career, the beautiful family, and the adoring children. I’m sorry to report that it’s a scam. Women cannot have it all, all at the same time. Focusing on one area of your life will leave the rest of it in neglect. Focus on your children, and your career will suffer. Become a high achieving working mother, and your children will pay the price, contrary to commonly held doctrine.
“Somewhere between the stay-at-home-mom bashing, incredible push to get women in the workforce, and blind encouragement for women’s career ambition, the regard for children’s wellbeing was lost.”
Natural Brood
Unknowingly, I drank the Kool-Aid of career ambition: earning a prestigious undergraduate degree and MBA, and pursued a decade-long career in management consulting. My professional drive had no bounds. I did not have the slightest inkling that becoming a working mother would slow me down or change my course. Women can have it all, remember?
Upon returning from maternity leave after my first baby, I immediately felt a sense of unease. Mothering while working full-time in a demanding job felt so wrong. I couldn’t ignore the gut feeling that I was damaging my child by not being with her. Well-meaning friends and relatives encouraged me otherwise, reminding me that my baby was fine in the hands of a nanny and no damage could be done at such a young age. Working mothers are everywhere!
Despite the encouragement and noise, I could not put this unsettling feeling to rest and ultimately quit my lucrative job to stay home with my baby, who cried all day for me while with our nanny.
Why I didn’t want to be part of the tribe of working mothers
1. I couldn’t stand to have somebody else raise my child.
It was glaringly obvious that giving my baby to a stranger was wrong. During the last few days of maternity leave, I cried in anticipation of handing my baby over to a nanny.
There is some degree of cognitive dissonance at play with working women. Uncertain over my status as a “real” mother, I counted the waking hours I was with my baby vs. the hours our nanny was in charge. I was desperate to feel like I was still raising my own child, despite not being the primary caregiver. The reality is that working parents hand over much of the opportunity to teach lessons and imbue morals and form personality to other caregivers. I knew that I wasn’t being there for my baby, and I wasn’t the one raising her, but it was painful to admit it. We quickly learned that you cannot pay somebody to care for your child as well as you would.
2. I was not willing to only see my baby for only an hour a day.
The average American parent sees their children for 90 minutes per day. Wake up, whisk them off to daycare, rush back from work to pick them up and take them home for dinner and bedtime. The woman and mother leading my consulting practice told me that her priority was putting her children to bed every day, implying that was the only time she saw her children. She seemed satisfied with that amount of time with her children, and that it was enough for her, and for them.
However, It is not enough for me. I want to be the one picking my children up from school. I want to drive them to soccer practice and hear about their day. I want to make my family a nourishing dinner. Bedtime won’t cut it.
3. I did not want to have round the clock childcare.
During my tenure in the corporate world, working mothers touted how they managed their household. One partner proudly employed two nannies (one morning, one evening). One former colleague had a baby sitter pick up their children from daycare so she could cook dinner alone and in peace after work. One partner had “coverage” 7am-9pm every day, suggesting this was optimal in case she had early morning or late evening meetings.
Before having my own children, I didn’t think much of this lifestyle. After becoming a mother, I was horrified. This was not a life I wanted to live. I could not outsource the responsibility of my children to others to this degree.
4. I was not willing to sleep train my baby out of convenience for my work schedule.
Upon returning to work and employing a nanny, our sensitive baby felt incredibly insecure being apart from us all day and started waking up every hour at night for milk and snuggles. My coworker suggested that sleep training is the “only” way to survive. He told me to put the baby to sleep upstairs and watch a movie in the basement so you cannot hear the crying.
I am not willing to sacrifice my child’s mental health for my own convenience.
Listen to your maternal instincts. They aren’t wrong.
Ultimately, it is important to tune out the external noise and listen to your maternal instincts. If your gut is telling you that your baby needs you, then it is true. Don’t bow to the pressure of popular culture or other working mothers telling you that your career is more important than being there for your children. Only you can decide that for yourself.